Before I post another long story, I thought I’d share a few weird and wonderful questions and encounters from my first six months working with the general public.

1) 25 year old woman: “I sneeze in bright lights, that’s an eye thing, isn’t it?”

2) Worried parent after eye test where no Rx was found: “Wee Jimmy* sits really close to the TV when he’s playing <insert ridiculously violent game not suitable for 6 year old Jimmy> on his Xbox. Are you sure he doesn’t need glasses?”

Me: “Jimmy, do you sit close to the TV because you are having problems seeing Blood Death Mega Kill 4**?”

Wee Jimmy: “No, I broke the wireless controller so now I have to use the rubbish one with the cable and that means I have to be <stretches out arm about 50cm> that close to the TV to play.”

3) 25 year old woman: “My eyelashes hurt first thing in the morning.” ***

To be fair, she did have blepharitis.

4) 10 year old boy, holding cleaning cloth: “Do you want me to clean your lenses?”

Me: “Ok. I’m just going to talk to your mum for a second.”

He started licking the lenses in my trial case then drying them with the cloth.  He managed to “clean” 4 before I realised what was happening.

Me: “That’s great. They are looking really clean. Do you want to sit down now?”

Me (inside): Ewwwwww.

5) Me to a chief constable: “Do you ever see any flashing lights in your vision?”

A second or two passes and then we both burst out laughing.

6) I had an 83 year old man who couldn’t stop laughing during motility test.  His laugh was infectious.  We both ended up with tears streaming down our faces and I still don’t know what was so funny.

7) I asked a 16 year old to rate the comfort of his new contact lenses on a scale of 1 to 10, where one was awful and ten was “rainbows and puppies”.

8) I had an eleven year old horror fan give me tips on surviving the zombie apocalypse.  After the eye test, she told me that my store would be a great stronghold for when the zombies attack and said that she’ll see me next year for her eye test… or “sooner” (said ominously).

9) I was chatting to a lady in her 60s during the eye test and she told me her grandson was studying Physics at Glasgow, I mentioned that I went to Glasgow to study Chemical Physics.

Px: “You studied Chemistry?”

Me: “Yes.”

Px: “Have you seen Breaking Bad?”

Me: “Yes, it was really good.”

Px (in a conspiratorial whisper): “Do you cook?” ****

10) Me to 7 year old: “Do you ever see two of something when there should be one?” (this is my cryptic not-sure-if-it’s-child-friendly way of asking children about double vision)

7 year old: “Yes.”

Me: “When does that happen?”

7 year old: “When I do this.” <crosses his eyes>


*not his real name.

** not a real game but, if it was, I’d totally play the hell out of it.

*** yes, 1 and 3 are the same woman.  She was fun.

**** for those that haven’t seen Breaking Bad. First of all, go watch it.  Second of all, she was asking if I was cooking meth.  Which I’m not.  Obviously.